The Itinerary for Your Princess South American Cruise: Swim, Sun, and Nazi...
This 29-day Princess adventure will whet the exploratory appetite of even the most seasoned traveler! We guarantee an unforgettable cruise with lots to see and lots to do both on and off our ship! Our...
View ArticleCulturally Responsible Yoga
It’s such a beautiful morning to be gathered together in community for what has previously been known as Intermediate Vinyasa Yoga. Just a quick note this morning: We’ve received some helpful critical...
View ArticleI’m Going to Kill Evan
I’m going to kill Evan, I just need to get off my Mom’s couch first. I am going to do it. All by myself. I don’t need any help. I don’t need a training manual or tips and tricks for murder. I don’t...
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Wait, My Senate Election Is In November, Not July?
How did I not know about this? I wrote down July 5th. Is it really November 5th? I’m running for Senate—how did I get this wrong? Jeez Louise, I’m totally boned. I canceled all those donor meetings and...
View ArticlePETITION: Tell Coors Brewing Company to Stop Drilling in the Arctic!
Right now, Coors is drilling in the fragile ecosystem of the Arctic, just 30 miles away from a nature reserve. Their reckless search for the coldest beer must end immediately. Coors Brewing Company has...
View ArticleThe Snows of Kilimanjaro by Ernest Hemingway: Buzzfeed Edition
13 Ways You Know Gangrene Is About To Kill You 1. Instead of calling you ‘Bwana’, Molo has started referring to you as, “Hyena kibbles” Graphic: Loop gif of That’s So Raven ‘Oh Snap!’ moment #love...
View ArticleI’m Starting to Think This Interactive Dinosaur Puppet Show Is Catering to Kids
Jesus, look at all these fucking rugrats. I didn’t pay $50 to have a bunch of brats prevent me from walking next to these realistic looking dinosaur puppets. What, were all the babysitters busy at 2 PM...
View ArticleSon, Your Mom and I Aren’t Getting Divorced Because of You… It’s Because of...
Andrew, why don’t you come into the den and take a seat. How’s it going, buddy? I know it’s been tough for you lately, with your mother and I getting divorced and all. There have been a lot of changes,...
View ArticleProject Write Stuff
In an already glutted reality television market comes a new offering this fall: Project Write Stuff. Twelve aspiring writers compete to win a book deal, a year’s supply of coffee, a cat-a-day desk...
View ArticleContingency Plans
Plan A It should be a lovely afternoon. We’ve reserved the picnic tables at Bogard Park next Friday from noon to three. There’s a brand new jungle gym for the kids and a beautiful view of the hills. We...
View ArticleA TV Chef Suddenly and Unfortunately Backslides in Cognitive Development
Welcome back to Frizelli Fresco. I’m your chef Giacomo Frizelli, but please, call me Friz. Before the break, we started my sumptuous twist on a quiche Lorraine and now we’re ready to really get...
View ArticleYou Are Invited To The Fifth Anniversary Of My Son Elijah’s Life On Earth
The orange herring moon is rising, and you know what that means: it’s time to celebrate my son Elijah’s fifth year on this earth! This year, Elijah wanted to throw a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles-themed...
View ArticleShop Now: Subject Lines from Banana Republic Emails, Interpreted
“A brand new way to wear pants.” Pants: you don’t have to wear them on just your legs anymore. You can wear them as scarves, or wear them as capes. You can wear them on your head. You can slip your...
View ArticleOreos Weren’t Supposed to Be Able to Be Disassembled! You’re All Fired!
Since you’re all food “scientists,” maybe one of you can tell me what’s wrong with the two chocolate disks, one covered with cream and one embarrassingly naked, I’ve placed before you. If you can’t,...
View ArticleIdeas for Filling Out the World in My Fantasy Novel
Name the main character Lukas, with a k. Like the magical version of a Lucas. Call glasses optics. Call food nourishings. [Ex. Lukas had not tasted nourishings in many a fortnight.] Call...
View ArticleVanilla Ice’s Responses To An Application for Strategic Marketing Manager
Dear Mr. Ice, We appreciate your interest in our opening for a Strategic Marketing Manager. There were a few discrepancies in your application; we would appreciate your guidance in correcting them so...
View ArticleThe Background Music to this 90′s Exercise Video is a Blatant Rip-Off of ‘You...
What’s everyone watching? Oh, that is too funny, I think it’s been years since I’ve seen an actual aerobics video! Look at those graphics —they definitely thought that star-wipe was pretty cool. And...
View ArticleHey Kid
“…” “Oh, hey there, pal. Is that Brendan I’m talking with here?” “…” “Brandon? They should call you Brando, you got such acting chops.” “…” “What? It’s me, kid, Maury. Maury Spitz. You know,...
View ArticleWe’re Never Going to Get this Grave Robbed if You Keep Staring at Your Phone
You see? That’s the problem with people your age. You’re standing around looking at your phone when you should be helping your cool, beer-buying cousin rob this grave. We drove all the way out here and...
View ArticleWords from the Poet Laureate
Say there. Say. You. Yeah you, the one raising his pussy drink to his pussy lips lined with that curly pussy beard. Yeah that’s right, I just totally inverted your supposed symbols of...
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